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BOOK REVIEW: Untangled - Practical Advice for Parents of Tweens/Teens

By Cathie Brennan October 7, 2019

When my daughter was a toddler, I was told, “These are the easier years – just wait until she’s a teenager.” We are now approaching those years, so I’m on the lookout for resources to help us navigate the alleged tumultuous waters of our daughter’s impending teenage years. Whether you have a pre-teen or teenage daughter, Untangled, by Lisa Damour, Ph.D, director of the Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls, is a captivating book. It provides valuable insight into understanding the seven distinct developmental strands, or transitions, teenage girls experience as they grow into adulthood. They represent a predictable roadmap for teenage girl development. It’s reassuring to know that each of these transitions, as challenging as they may seem, are normal.  

Untangled, derived from cutting edge research, offers practical advice and approaches on how parents can guide daughters through each of these transitions. While we ladies traversed these same transitions as teens, we did not have the intense competitive culture and digital connectivity that exists today, which make these transitions more challenging while more visible to everyone else. Untangled offers us the opportunity to understand why our daughters act like people we may not always recognize or understand. By understanding our daughter’s behavior and reeling emotions, we can provide guidance and support more effectively and with more empathy.   

  • Is your daughter suddenly mean to you or give you the cold shoulder, then, on the same day, she wants to be close to you and snuggle? 
  • Is your daughter feeling rejected by her friends?
  • Did your daughter try out for a team and not make it?
  • Is she questioning your authority, rolling her eyes, and annoyed by your mere presence?
  • Are her grades suddenly slipping and you’re doing all you can to make sure she’s staying on top of her schoolwork, yet she seems resistant to your support?
  • Should you notify the parents of your daughter’s friend to let them know she is hurting herself?
  • How do you talk to your daughter about drugs and alcohol; and how they should handle when they’re offered alcohol or drugs at a party?
  • Why does she come from school and start verbally attacking and criticizing her younger sibling?

Each of these questions is addressed in the book along with understanding teen romance, self-harm, eating disorders, and the challenges of digital technology. Each part of the book ends with a section titled “When to Worry” which helps us discern if our daughter’s behavior is normal or cause for concern and a different approach or professional support may be necessary.  

You may be wondering if the advice and guidance is appropriate for boys. As you read this book, a lot of the situations and advice can be applied to boys during adolescence, so there is value across gender. However, it’s important to keep in mind that girls are developmentally unique and their roadmap to adulthood is different. It’s also important to note research shows girls’ developmental transitions apply across socio-economic and racial lines.

I almost missed it, but at the end of the book is a Reader’s Guide in which the author summarizes answers to additional questions received during speaking engagements.  She also provides questions for book discussion purposes.  Get a group of parents together and have a robust conversation around pressing issues our daughters face. 

This book will be a valuable reference for me for the next several years. As you sit down to read it, get the highlighter, sticky notes and a glass of wine!